I just tried to light a cigarette with a tube of lipstick. If I had stayed in girl scouts maybe I could've made that happen.
somehow we got the entire party to start singing "ill make a man out of you" from mulan. needless to say, that kid had the best keg stand i'd ever seen.
I wish I had a frozen water bed.
best. idea. ever.
Woke up this morning on my couch at 6am fully dressed including heels, holding half a corn dog. I called you last night when I was buying the corn dog from a street vendor, I think.
I am in love with you.
Stealing vibrators from Walmart together was when I realized you'd be my Maid of Honor.
I love being Chipotle's first beer sale of the morning.
Let's get one thing straight; we aren't in a relationship. We fuck and occasionally go to subway.
This morning on my way to work I saw a guy ride his bike straight into a woman and her dog while trying to light a bowl. Thought of you.
Dear Jesus. Send me strength to not suck cock this morning.
Your poor dick will look at you and scowl for all the abuse he's going to take this week.
I used the line "you don't have enough pillows". Then left. Thought you should know.
you were huddled over the toilet, throwing up, and every few seconds you'd look up and say "this is such a waste of vodka" then put your head back down and start puking again
I threw up in 4 different Starbucks across the city before 9 am.
Taking a walk while tripping face during Halloween time was a bad idea. I started crying bc I was so scared and hide in the parks playground.
I woke up using a beer can as a pillow. successful party?
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