dude we were spooning naked in bed with her ass in my crotch. she sharted in her sleep all over my dick.
You should've come with us, we're at Home Depot looking for men.
the new roommate knocked on my door this morning holding a bong in one hand and my dennys leftovers from last night in the other. love this kid. Best student housing placement ever.
I love waking up with his head head between my legs, it makes me feel special
I'm sober enough to question why I have your name as "the wolverine" in my phone.
I've never seen a homeless man jog to get off the bus and then run to his panhandling spot because he's "late for work," but you see something new every day.
If you're asking how many times you took off your clothes and played with the tiki torches.....the answer is 3.
My landlord showed my apartment to a prospective tenant today and I had my vibrator and gun both chilling on my nightstand
Not sure how ur night is going, but unless u also saw a naked drunk chick pissing outside i doubt it can top mine
Please come over here so I can show off my beard, talk to you about how quantum computing is actually a symptom of interstellar physics, and then put my head under your dress
Woke up with a 22 year old with the number for a different girl written on my stomach, almost 30 can suck my dick I still got this shit
From what I heard you ordered him to lick your balls. Unless you've kept a huge secret I understand his confusion.
I've had to take two showers today and it's not even 1 o'clock. Why won't this weekend wash off?
G&T. Gin and tonic. GIN AND TONIC. GIN AND TONIC AND FUCKING LIME
Nothing ruins your day more than waking up to you dogs crotch in your face
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