its like they have never seen someone walk through campus with a plunger
My wrist bandage is guacamole stained. What an accurate representation of my life as a whole
we just plugged the camera up to the big screen. would you like to come see what you did last night, in high definition?
found a rock and smashed the sliding glass door. home safe. screen door is locked so we're good.
And now I have fucked a local celebrity so double free drinks at bars.
Yuck. My throat feels like someone chucked a couple of Maltov cocktails down it and finished it off with a super soaker filled with Jameson.
Bobbing for jello shots in a bucket of long island. Fast track to alcohol poisoning.
Next time, please cut me off before I'm at the point of pooping in the bathtub again
Thanks for launching me off you reverse cowgirl. I think I chipped a tooth.
don't judge but I think I'm gonna go fuck a dad this weekend
dude it's 9am and i'm still drunk it's too early for sexting
You're not who I thought you were. You've changed.
Dude on a beach in sicily and a blonde jesus just smoked us out and then tried to makeout with me I am never leaving this place
I just went to cvs and bought condoms, handcuffs and a coloring book
Its mothers day... Can my present be an orgasm...for once?
idk what the male equivelent of vajazzling is but it better be worth the time
Randomize
