where are you?
in the room with the baby pig
k im coming soon
Why do all fat girls have "that smell"?
I was so drunk last night, I had to Wikipedia what i did.
Dude, you were so drunk last night that when we went into subway, you forgot the word for bread.
Dude, we're at Einstein's Bagels and the dude next to us is spreading cannabutter on his bagel.
In my junk email folder, there are literally 67 messages from Alcoholics Anonymous. What..the fuck.
You were in subway at 3am showing everyone your tan lines
What kind of costume was that supposed to be??
I'm an orgasm trader!
Last night I was this close to hooking up with someone called "Handjob Pat" dubbed for the time he paid $150 for a handjob in Canada.
Everyone keeps telling me I look so healthy and happy today: the power of the penis people!!
That isn't the worst part. It got a bazillion times more awkward when he read me a poem he wrote about his dead cat.
You followed me up the stairs while i was throwing up yelling "projectile! projectile! projectile!"
Why is this not the first time I’ve seen the mugshot of someone I’ve slept with
I need some buff guys to cuddle me and call me precious
There's a difference tho. *I* drink at seven in the morning because I work graveyards. YOU drink at seven in the morning cause you're an alcoholic.
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