nothing says happy birthday like half a tampon wrapped in someone else's hair on your shoulder.
Is it socially acceptable to order two burrito bowls?
anything's socially acceptable if you do it with enough confidence
There are not one, but two women wearing my boxers on the couch right now. You need to wake the fuck up.
I wasnt going to have sex with him until i ran into his gf at chipotle. It was like the gods were saying "Go ahead. Shes already had her burrito for the day"
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
well in DOG beers, i've only had one
I don't think anybody else enjoys making out with multiple guys on the same night as much as I do. I'm like a wine taster but with lips... it's like art to me. The bruise on my upper lip is proof of it
I fucked a guy that's in Sports illustrated. I'm officially ready for college.
I actually bought food at McDonald's as an apology for what I was about to do to their bathroom.
How is it that I've hooked up with not one but two guys in the children's section of a bookstore tonight?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
okay the fridge is completely filled only with alcohol. Not even exaggerating. There is no food.
Sometimes I wonder if we're going to make it to 40.
Well I mean enduring a 45 minute conversation about C-sections was worth the 9 jello shots those soccer moms gave me.
I refuse to answer that question on the grounds that it may incriminate me
Not really how I planned to achieve immortality, but I'll take it.
dont go in the freezer to fetch your weed. my vibrator may or may not be in there. not sayin, just sayin
Finally fucked my buddy's mom!! We are both ten years older and for her it really shows but i hit it!!
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