dude i woke up to 20 missed calls from you, 3 from a blocked number and had 13 voicemails that all said "send me a picture of your tits."
so im guessing thats a no.....
ohhhh fuckk. chicks a dude.
How do I say to her "Have you eaten mango lately because my penis had an allergic reaction"
I wish alcohol would automatically work as birth control if you have sex drunk.
You were telling me to give my phone mouth to mouth so it wouldn't die.. Should i be worried for you?
Well if it makes you feel any better I threw up at Roadhouse. And then on the way to the train. And then in a water fountain. And then in a plastic bag on the train.
i was gonna fuck her but then she started eatin sushi from her purse. i really need to raise my standards
Dude, you like sabotaged my shower time by walking in and eating a snack pack on the toilet. That's messed up on levels that haven't even been created.
I'm using the house around the corner that my parents rent out to people as a means of getting sex. I just tell them I'm going for a walk and just invite my next hook up over
Let me tell you how my drug dealer wants me to take his girlfriends little sister to jr prom
What's the address and code again...does anyone need anything and why is my viking helmet on the bed?
She left a blunt and poutine on my nightstand with a note saying "went to the gym. be ready for round three when I get back" I love Canadian chicks
I mean, the night I fell out of that bus I made you pour vodka onto my wound to clean it, then duct taped a paper towel to my hand and kept drinking.
I'm gonna go parent style on your ass... I don't ask much from you but if you could please just come get shitfaced with me I would really appreciate it
Best part though was when he wanted to cuddle and I was like, I'm going to go.
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