God I can't wait to have my phone textbombed every night
She has an album entitled "my photography", which consists of about 80 different pictures of a tractor that she took on her cell phone. I'm all for freedom of expression, but come on.
Just had to explain my "wine me. Dine me. Sixty-nine me" key chain to my grandma...she took it surprisingly well.
She woke up with blood running down her face and asked the EMS guy where the keg was
I changed the background on my phone to a picture of you so whenever I go to look at porn or text another girl I'll have second thoughts
Am I supposed to find that romantic?
Notice: I will be intoxicated and in your area this evening. To unsubscribe from my sexual solicitation list, reply 'fuck off'.
I dont even care how hung over I am, and how shitty this bus ride will be. That was the best sex of my life and it's a beautiful morning.
Dont really know what happened near the end, Pockets were filled with skittles though
I just had a fifteen minute conversation with a Raccoon by the garbage bin. I was feeding it chex mix.
my head feels like a yellow yolk spinning in a circle at the bottom of the bowl.. i may have a concussion, love auto correct
He's thawing a cheesecake on his stomach. We're that high.
When confronted with a choice of going home or fucking the band ALWAYS FUCK THE BAND!!
I just hooked up with a one legged Australian guy. Hooray diversity!
I seriously just forgot to push down the toaster twice in a row \n\nSo I've been waiting 8 minutes for toaster strudels that I haven't even started... Too high
you asked if you could borrow my vagina for the night
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