i hope push ups and a ton of orange juice gets rid of chlamydia
One little Beyonce reference and he turns on me faster than liberals on Jon Mackey
you jizzed all over me and yelled "makeover"
he kept doing his monologue, "if a vagina could talk."
When did you hit me on the head with a stool?
She scratched my sunburn during sex. I didn't know whether to cry or cum
My ex just sent me a message asking if she could blow me, but only if we get caught by her new bf. If she promises to swallow I'm doing it.
SITTING NEXT TO A CIRCUS PERFORMER AT PLANNED PARENTHOOD. THIS IS MY LIFE.
we were playing waterfall, then strip waterfall, then we were just listening to music, drinking, and slowly becoming more naked
Should have know they were on something when he started filling a Togo container with fruit
In other news there is a guy at my office who I'm pretty sure will be wearing someone's skin as a coat one day.
I don't want to flatter myself but after the way he was looking at me today I think it might be me.
I still regret not being there for your blackout into the dumpster last year
I think John will remember that birthday for a while. I'm still dying at the fact a stripper was hunting me down.
My sister just showed me a snap chat that I don't remember sending, it was a picture of me with two big macs in my bra with just the words "BURGER TITS"
All of my friends are hooking up and here I am, the lone asexual, looking for someone to eat these tostitos with me.
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