I'm taking a dump and eating a fortune cookie and it said "Force it to be successful"
I just saw a homeless man dressed as a pirate. I love san francisco.
it was the least impressive dick i've ever seen... and i've changed babies' diapers.
i just saw a white kid with an afro using a martini shaker as a coffee thermos. go college.
yeah she was being a bitch. do you remember me stealing ryan cabrerra's beer?!?!
In the hospital waiting to be tested for the first uti of the school year....I'm BACK BTICHES.
i think if i got caught drinking at work i could get away with it if i started crying and saying my cat just died. as long as i'm confident.
It's like....nice talking about real estate but your son gave me herpes
So I just chugged the rest of the wine in my mug so I would have something to eat my corn flakes in. With a plastic fork. I need a dishwasher
And maybe a life coach?
If I had to summarise my weekend I would do so using the words "horrifying romanian moonshine"
He was handing out home-made business cards that read "finger slamming bitches since 1986"\n
He went down on me for an hour and a half. He needs to get promoted more often.
I just want to order a very large pizza and get very drunk and very laid.
I got a free corona t-shirt and all I had to do was drink a beer. This needs to be a more widely accepted form of currency.
I either have food poisoning or I'm pregnant. Either way, I NEED JESUS!
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