After he proceded to violently molest my tits until 9 am i snuck out of his room only to meet his mother downstairs, who informed me she heard the giant sexfest going on in the room next to them.. this was before she called us both "chickenshits".. worst walk of shame ever.
They told me I spent half the night at the club with one ball hanging out my shorts. Apparently it got me 1 free drink, 2 numbers, and thrown out.
It's my fault I'm alone. My closest relationship is with my blackberry....thank god it vibrates.
There are dudes in kilts outside my window practicing fire breathing with cheap vodka and a modified grill lighter. I thought you should know.
If you go to the bathroom don't ask why there's diet coke on the toilet. Loller copter. Blow is fun.
She told me my dick looked like a baby seal wrapped in a sleeping bag.
Jesus himself couldn't make a better sandwich
I'm getting drunk by myself again. But I'm not shotgunning any of them. That's self-restraint, right?
So ive come to the realization that my affinity for tattooed guys makes me the literal definition of tit for tat
I walked into my room last night at 4 am and there's a random dude in his boxers eating oatmeal on my futon. I looked at him and went to bed
How do I say "I want to suck your balls" in a classy but sexy way,
thats all i want out of life, to get high and watch weiner dog races
So I love answering sex questions in intimate relationships class on a clicker when im sitting next to my cousin..
Most people that see those numbers aren't going to realize what they mean and those that do will think 'oh those must be her favorite hockey players' and not 'oh she wants to see those hockey players fuck each other'.
honestly, fuck you guys. i'm gonna get drunk by myself
Randomize
