Every time there's an awkward silence a gay baby is born
I'm pretty sure his head is too big to fit between my legs. Worthless.
wait.. the condom broke. ehh whatever i think im already 2 months pregnant
BEES IN MY FUCKING PANTS. HELP.
Okay so if I'm going to keep referring to my hangover in the third person it needs a name.
i really wish someone from a royal background would fuck me so i could literally say i was 'royally fucked'.
we've started having sober sex
you really do like him
Soooo how am i supposed to explain to my mom that i was admitted to the hospital but you kidnapped me within 20 minutes?
They said an hour before I even see a doctor...and they noticed the shots tally on my arm.
Meeting relatives from another state drenched in tequila and smelling of weed. I'm gonna kill you for soaking the only bra I brought in Jose Cuervo Gold.
My booty call just put me down for a reference for her job at the hospital. What am I supposed to say? She gives great bj's?
Most violent shit of my life. New Years resolution of eating better is already kicking me in the face.
I understand why they say don't drink the water in Mexico... I just saw 5 guys piss upstream of where the bar tender went to get the water
All I remember is passing out with an umbrella over my head and waking up screaming bad luck for seven years
I haven’t sent any nudes yet in 2018.
That’s not true...is it?
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