i'm the matthew mcconaghey of this party. i'm too old, and too high.
I just tried to put my feet in my slippers and found cans of beer in them. Christmas in fucking july.
and while your girlfriend wears your relationship pants, i'll be wearing my ecstasy pants
I'm going to get a baby outfit made and send it to her that says: "My husband fucked his subordinate and all I got was another baby".
Also I smoked away my sore throat last night. It's a 420 miracle.
She said her hobbies include bangin guys on one night stands and then sending them facebook relationship requests the next morning just to freak em out
We eventually had to ration the melon vodka. 10 pushups per shot. THATS why my arms hurt
walk of shame into the pharmacy with a busted up chin and laughing the lady at the counter rolled her eyes at me when I asked for the morning after pill.
We need to go to the store an get depends. I really don't want to be bothered with the bathroom this weekend.
I need a therapist, but moreover we are going to be really drunk.
I was talking to another guy at the bar last night and all of a sudden a flying piece of Sausage lands on my boobs. Then I hear my boyfriend yell, "just marking my territory."
I sang him a lovely rendition of 'So Long and Thanks For All the Fish", but replaced fish with dick.
Now that it's fall I have to prepare for the imminent arrival of ripped up sweatpants shoved into folded over sequined uggs
He was tripping his balls off and kept aggressively saying SIT ON MY FACE. 5 hours and countless orgasms later I've decided I must never let this man go.
He spent ten minutes post bj, limp cock still out, in shock repeating 'best blow job ever'. So yes, yelling I am the penis queen out the car window was justified.
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