you know you've been in a long relationship when u start retiring sex toys
I only knew it was midnight because i got happy new years texts while i puked outside
is it just my freshly shaved vagina or is the guy at the end of the table pretty cute??
She thought someone was breaking in but when I said it was me she got even angrier and threw a coffee mug at my head.
Just saw out breathalyzer tubes from last night on the side of the road. Glad the cop let us know that they are biodegradable
This isnt meant to be as creepy as it sounds, but do you seriously want a lock of the hair I cut off?
Also, I don't remember opening my gifts from my family. It was cool when I woke up with a new ihome.
Things I had in my bed when I woke up: an avocado, a toilet brush, and a note that says thanks but no thanks with the number of taco bell on it. WHAT DID I DRINK?
Discovered a freckle on my clitoris. What have you done today?
Question: should I be considering heels or is this the kind of night where I should plan on falling on my face regardless of my choice of footwear?
Last night I dreamt that I sold my car and used the money to have wheels surgically implanted in my feet and legs so I became a human heely and I just rolled everywhere
Don't drink and shop. I went for happy hour and came home with a fog machine. I now have no other choice but to scare the shit out of my neighbors with it.
Dude, they hit that lizard part of my brain that tells me to fuck people.
Preach sister.
I always felt my time would come in the form of a tidal wave of whisky
How was the party
I came home with only one shoe, a t shirt tied around my shoeless foot and I was covered in motor oil. Oh and my shorts were inside out. So you tell me
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