Tears do usually get me what I want. That and oral sex.
Only my sister would update her facebook status while going into labor.
You told the bartender you needed 2 beers, and a shot of his cum...
I need to write the inventor of adderall a thank you note stapled to a copy of my degree
Recording ancient aliens and the third Reich. Stoned you will thank me later.
He came into the hospital yelling "HEY EVERYBODY! REMEMBER ME?"
All I want is tacobeell and your body
that's my favorite sentence you've ever said.
She keeps telling me I can't keep feeding the dog my food. I gave half the weed brownie to the dog and half to me. I just want it to taste the greatness of cheezits like I am.
I'll be really easy to find... I'm the naked one rolling around in cats.
I've had to much cheese to give a fuck about anything. im tired.
You're wearing a hospital gown and pearls. Let's reevaluate your life.
It was a great party. People were literally still doing shots and playing drunk Jenga at 6am...
I wonder what dick looks like without astigmatism?
tbh I think I just dated him for his dogs in the first place.
last night we watched this really loud chick try and pick up this smoking french guy who's english was sooo bad. she finally pointed at her beer and then her vagine
gross
like you've never done an interperative dance for sex, please
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