I almost didn't wake up for my first day of work. The 3rd bottle of champagne was a mistake. And the 2nd bottle of wine after that was probably excessive
He painted his chest for the game... I just fucked an exclamation point.
got extra credit for showing up to class before a holiday. it hit me 5 minutes later that she meant easter....
Dude, you passed out sitting straight up AND in mid sentence last night
don't you dare blame getting arrested on me. you sugested we play the penis game and we all know I'm a strong competitor
Because everyone is allowed one half drunken 7:30 am walk back to campus in a cowgirl costume, right?
She said, after pronouncing how sober she was, and I quote 'Take this bag, it's so heavy it's like 500 degrees! Wait, is it time to go? Can I run? I think I can run!' Then she ran away.
I'm gay. Congratulations to whoever had January 2014 in their pool.
So I paid Bumble $10 to see who liked my profile for a month. Cheap, easy dick. It's all about the economics, yo.
In case you're wondering... Yes walmart will judge you for buying vodka and pickles at 645am.
Thinking and hoping ice cream is the answer to my problems
New life goal: Sex in a parking lot surrounded by a circle of fire.
In my defense, the second lapdance I gave was because of a dare.
I'm the one who said we should take things slow. I'm also the one who forced him into the back on my car so we could have sex.
I am watching Wayne Gretzky and Alexander oveckhin play video games for charity. What is life right now.
Randomize
