You know ure stoned when u start thinking about making a bacon smoothie
I just saw a guy wearing a tuxedo shirt under his overalls. That is true iowa class right there
i woke up and my collection of plastic neon wayfarers were half-melted in the microwave. my drunk self hates my hipster self
Performed a legit marriage between 2 drunk people at last call yesterday. Becoming ordained has already paid for itself.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
If I refrain from fucking my manager, I'm going to reward myself by fucking that guy from the photo department.
I broke his nose at the bar and he still went home with me.
there's a picture of you and pauly shore at a starbucks on my phone
That's the international "my vagina is unoccupied, come talk to us" chant. You have your mission. Go.
This is your morning-after text courtesy of your very confused friend!! :) To discuss "what the hell were you trying to tell me last night," press 1. To laugh over your drunken antics, press 2. To pretend like none of it even happened (or to respond with concurrent confusion because you have no idea), press 3.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
he called me 'mate' and i had to remind him that you dont call people mate who continously make your dick hard
Speaking of lightening speed, he ate me out while I was watching The Flash. If that's not winning at life idk what is
I need to sleep so I can die properly tomorrow.
and idk now I have nine bags of lettuce in my fridge
sometimes i like to lay one the floor and pretend im a carrot.
No reason. My tongue went numb after one shot. I may die tonight
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