hahaha our party bus just died on the freeway and we're drinking in the center divider. i'm on the roof. i win
Bagel with cream cheese. It's blowing my fucking mind.
How high are you right now..
I MICROWAVED IT. SIGNIFICANT IMPROVEMENT.
how do you tell someone you stalk them in a non-creepy way
you don't.
Manscaping on you would be like trying to clean up the oil spill with a dixie cup.
You know there's only so much I can do with a great personality.
Also since my birthday I've on average fucked a new guy every 12.5 days. I'm doing an excel spreadsheet
I think we need to teach you what straight means again
By the way I peed in a mug last night cause you were in the bathroom and im pretty sure it is still in the kitchen.
i was the only bi girl at the frat party. i felt like the last cresent roll at thanksgiving
He bought the 12 pack of condoms. I take that as a sign of serious commitment.
I think I might start referring to your vagina as a separate being now
I WAS SURROUNDED BY HAIRY BALLS ALL ALONE.
Just whisper "I fucked your boyfriend" in her ear and be done with it.
Good morning! Spongebob is on channel 257 when you wake up. Help yourself to breakfast. You were great last night. See you when I get back.
You kept crying and I couldnt help but laugh at you, I was really high though.
Randomize
