So he thinks I sent him a picture of my boob last night, but it was really just a close up of my arm.
It was fun until the stripper told me it was her first day and started crying.
i would have thought, that you two being my best friends, one of you would have atleast tried to catch me before i hit the ground after blacking out.
The amount of guys who just came into the room to give me a high five after hooking up with him was about 5 too many.
I'm petting the cat while shitting. This is all I ever wanted
He's scared I want a relationship? How does texting him at three am and sleeping with four of my exes symbolize that?
Apparently while fucking a girl in the ass last night I cracked a molar, trying to find a dentist now.
I just want to drink cheap wine and throw my bra at an aging singer songwriter
I'm about to smoke a joint alone, do you want to FaceTime and pretend you're smoking it too?
That's why my New Years resolution was no more blondes. They're all bad news
Dude, she set my Tinder preference to men, set the radius to 100 miles, and used up all of my right swipes. I think she's mad.
He's a douche. But I like the way he chokes me.
So what your saying is you dont remember trying to hit a golf ball off my chest with a 9 iron?
Our conversation went from you choking me to my quarter life crisis reeeaaalllll quick.
It was very surreal. They were listening to a religious podcast on morality while they both went down on me.
Randomize
