Talking to this girl is like playing minesweeper on hard. There's red flags everywhere.
Her underwear doesnt even match. If youre going to be a face book whore at least have matching shit.
a girl just walked by me crying on the phone saying, "all I ever do is menstruate"
I just figured out, there are 9 children in this world that I can look at in the face and say "I fucked your mom."
She kept crying and asking why I couldn't look more like Dennis quaid.
Apparently love is stronger than SoCo
We let 3 boys take us home and then we woke up in the middle of the night, stole all the coozies out of the house, a loaf of bread, a case of water, a pair of shorts, called a cab, and went home.
There's a guy here who is improvising his own shadow dance on a table against the wall, in case you're wondering how my night is going
Twist to Josh's story, he had a gyro in his hand and never dropped it even after he got knocked the fuck out
I am no longer drunk enough to crave tostitos
After getting rejected by him, I got a strangely pleasant dick pic from an unknown number with the caption: "I hope this gets you through the night ;)" It's like the Cock-Gods were shining down upon me.
He somehow always manages to get me naked within 5 minutes of being together. It's like fucking witchcraft.
He broke into my house because he missed me. Then ends the relationship because I'm the needy one. Ironic much?
At first I was nervous, then drunk me thought: What other chance will you realistically have to fuck a British guy?
when i woke up w mysterious sticky crap in my hair, i assumed i had another blackout hookup. nope. turns out i made PBJ and proceeded to pass out in it. i ate the evidence when i woke up.
Randomize
