i'm drinking out of my 'black like my president' mug
I wish life was like dora the explorer where dancing pigs appear out of nowhere to solve your problems for you
dude.. you lit a cigarette on the bus and told the driver it was okay because you were fire marshall of your boy scout troop
The remote chance that I may get a blowjob is about the only reason I have a shower every day.
Fucking finally I'm about to die from sobriety over here
Can you check on Mike in the bathroom. It's been like 20 min.
He's fine. He's just standing at the trash can in line for another beer from the keg. Nbd.
I just remembered that i did pull ups in a bikini on the porch of Red Lobster last night. someone needs to stage an intervention
literally just tried sending to someone a video of me jerkin but my phone was connected to Apple TV and it literally just played on the tv in a full room and I'm actually about to shit myself
mom how many of the songs from my childhood are mexican drinking songs?
all of them.
I broke my foot jumping out of YOUR window under YOUR watch. You failed me drunk guardian. You failed.
My dad's girlfriend is driving through the snow to bring me my purple haze. If he doesn't wife her up, we have a bigger issue on our hands.
I suggest both. Please have sex with them and prepare notes for a final comparison.
just saw the most amazing side boob. i wanted to hold it.
A dozen fresh-baked cookies delivered to my dorm AND I don't have chlamydia or gonorrhea... Could this night get any better??
You left me a really long voicemail saying, "Hey, it's meeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee." and then the rest is just loud laughter
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