Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
Hey when you come over to pick me up in the mornin bring a camera. This is going to be legendary. Don't knock.... They might cover up
You know you're true friends when you can talk about what sexual diseases you may or may not have.
Whatever. I'm saving myself for my wedding night or a night with enough patron.
So last week was the 4th time a girl cried after sex. I'm seriously doing something wrong
This weekend is gunna be a fucking shitshow. I don't even wanna know how many dicks will end up inside of me
I hope I take a shit on your face in your dreams tonight.
lets do drugs on my lunch break tomorrow
Made a pinky promise to a lesbian on crack in WeHo. No one knows what I promised
My next goal in this relationship is to teach my boyfriend that there are valid reasons to be fear of dolphins completely.
i woke up this morning wearing my pants as a scarf and my shirt as a daiper, my boyfriends contact name in my phone is "human sacrifice" and yours is "i like eggs"....can someone please tell me what happened last night
There's wine in the fridge here. You could leave school and we could get day drunk.
That's my favorite drunk.
dad says come back and get the lawn mower out of the pool before mom gets home
That ass isn’t going to eat itself.
If you really hate him do what I do: give him an amazing night of unforgettable sex then dump him. You’ll ruin sex for him because new girls won’t compare
Randomize
