im pretty sure that there was a mint leaf in my poop this morning. i love mojito season.
good news. it is gonna rain tomorrow so now I don't have to pay to clean the puke off the side of your car.
Don't talk about his dick. That's mine. There's a copyright on it. Use with permission
Stories of my weekends have cause divorces, are you sure you wanna hang out?
If I get there and all he has for my big valentines surprise is his body, I'm dumping his ass and posting his dirty pictures on a porn site so people can laugh at him.
Just broke into a house and crawled through a window. Upside: getting laid.
I rode home in a shopping cart so there's that. MVP to the guy that pushed it.
I think we ended 5-7 relationships as well this weekend...so another good stat
Never start off a conversation with "speaking of STD's..."
I think I gave a random lady a dildo
Again?!
The night they met I slept with both of them. Of course I'm best man.
We haven't had hot water in our dorm all weekend. Do you know if there is any other way to wash off shame?
It's your last night of vacation right? Be the Oprah of dick. And you get a dick... and you get a dick, and you get a dick!!!
you scattered cereal all over the floor so you could "re-trace your steps and figure out what happened." 20 min later you yelled about the mess and let the dog in to clean it up. 5 min after that you screamed since the cereal was gone. you suspected me and locked me in the bathroom so i could "think about what i'd done"
and you bit everyone who tried to let me out. no more tequila for you. EVER.
ya figured it'd be nice to explore the mythical world of sober sex i've heard so much about
i've often wondered how it works
Randomize
