Need sex. Gaining weight.
After I told my husband the docter shot me in the ass, he said - oh they can but I can't?!
Just puked on the beach. Hungover. In front of my parents. I love summer.
A monkey stole my iPod. This was not in the fucking study abroad brochure
After the concert, I paid a cab to drive me around the city so I could shout "dc highfive!" at everyone who passed for an hour and a half.
How do you feel about fucking me quick and then me leaving to go do arts and crafts?
I'm crossing my legs while pooping. Taking a shit has never looked so proper.
I'm at work. It's margarita night. Someone literally just shouted "MURICUH!"
God bless us, everyone.
YOU'RE HIGH AND AT THE GYM OF COURSE YOU FEEL WEIRD
My thighs feel like glass
ARE YOU SAYING THAT YOU DON'T WANT TO GO TO A PARTY AT AN ADULT STORE WHERE A BUNCH OF HOT GIRLS ARE DRINKING
Well at least I will forever be known as the girl he ate out on the lifeguard stand while people walked by. On the first date.
He just showed up at my house with a giant box of Trojans and a 6-pack of Yoohoo "for a special treat afterwards". I'm in love.
How do I un-spend everything I bought last night? Seriously...was a penis shaped piñata and enough tequila to fill my bathtub really that necessary?
At least you can say you've literally dumped money down the drain
I can't be a daydrinker without you. It just doesn't work.
I love you too.
Have I told you i love you?
there's no need we are two peas in a naughty pod of fuckery
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