Can we switch to phone sex? This is starting to get awkward...
I just know... :) goodntight
Whoops, meant "goodnight", but the other is true too.
The reason i havent seen you yet better have huge tits
I want to apologize in advance for texting you a picture of my penis tonight.
He slow fucked me. Doggy style. On a porch. You never slow fuck doggy style. Its a law. A LAW.
Attn every girl I've slept with in the past 26 years of my life. One of you cunts gave me herpes. This is the 4th of 5 group MMS. That's right. It's in the 50s. There are two girls I don't have #s for. One was on a cruise and the other was a prostitute in Amsterdam. So which of you has herpes?
no im not bringing booze its easy, you just challenge a drunk guy to beer pong, he'll hand you two beers, you lose on purpose, and everyone makes fun of you. but we laugh in the end for bringing nothing to a byob
Not sure how ur night is going, but unless u also saw a naked drunk chick pissing outside i doubt it can top mine
I just got high and swiffered the bathroom floor....2 for 2 on brilliant life ideas
i just had diarrhea that people from the 1930's would have died from
I woke up with a chicken in my yard
Do you not remember hopping the fence into a chicken coop and screaming "choot em'"like you were on swamp people?
No recollection, can you come help me shut this thing up
Well guess who isn't a virgin anymore
guess who isnt wearing pants has a shaving cream beard and is afraid theres no cream cheese in the fridge
the answer to that last one was me. the answer to the first one is you, you sly dog
This may sound strange but do you have my pants?
You tried to trade them for some girls skirt... So she has them...
Interlocking vagina powers go!!'
Oh god, your drunk again aren't you?
To potentially get me laid, I need you to send me your favorite memes.
Randomize
