Pregnant stripper...not hot.
Drunkenly auctioned off my bed for 3 tequila shots
Dude she was 62...with a boob job. And I'm proud to say I made out with that.
My feelings are currently in a sea of vodka and "I don't give a shit"
Aren't they always?
Whatever you didn't send me pics of you topless making bacon
So, the officer that worked my wreck, I'm rockin his world tonight. He saw me high on morphine in the ER. So he knows my level of crazy. Think he'll agree to wear his gun?
So many things can go wrong tonight.
Just opened up the freezer to find chocolate penis popsicles. Too hungover for this shit
I know it's like I wanna bring somebody fun who I haven't drunkenly expressed my feelings for. Or hooked up with. It's a struggle.
I'd cum everywhere if I could have chicken nuggets right now
think before you get married my friend it's my birthday and just got done jacking off
I just went on etsy and my personalized suggestions on the page were either kinky sex restraints or baby things. I feel like etsy just summarized my life.
Don't be hating on my everclear. Never taken a smoother journey into intoxication.
I told him I just left the convent and really wanted a man. He fell for it. Sure beats telling him I'm a nympho stalker that followed him to the bar when I saw his beard.
She caught me by google maps... Lets just say it wasnt her car in front of the house.
I think I’ve been affected by his dad mustache. I wanna ride it.
Randomize
