I just followed up on a noise complaint...only to find 2 girls in bikinis covered in jello with beer cans everywhere. I couldn't bring myself to bust that party.
I want to be a cop.
Just looked at my call log. I called Planned Parenthood at 3am.
any plan I had today of being a productive member of society, I am officially throwing out the window.
there is a school bus full of santas parked in front of the liquor store
I can't get away from Pickles they're either stuck in me, in my mouth, or I'm stuck in one. fuck my whole entire life.
He said i looked like a shooting star sprawled out on the floor while i puked and i kept blaming "senor cuervo" for doing me dirty.
I actually kinda like her but everyone else hates her, so consider it a third party grudgefuck.
You know what, I don't care that I got too drunk and didn't make it into the boat party. If I had, I probably wouldn't have peed on you later while we soundly slept. I feel you need that in a best friendship.
Omg. The nephews found my stripper pole. The scary part is theyre good at it.
I really want to text him and congratulate him on having a bigger penis than the guy I dumped him for, but I thought that might be awkward...
I only got lap dances from the ugliest strippers, i couldnt stop myself from laughing the entire time.
I got drunk by myself and ended up listening to Beethoven in the dark.
Every time you mention the threesome around him I will high five you. Do what you will with this information.
I got my period today and I cried tears of joy. And then just cried because my cramps are actually killing me from the inside out.
My co-worker accidentally texted me regarding the threesome him and other one are planning.
Randomize
