fyi, we didn't break up, we just downgraded to occasional sex without ever talking about it.
I will never try to masturbate with americas funniest home videos playing in the background ever again
im just sayin im driving an hr to pick her up, just cause shes your gf doesnt mean i shouldnt be entitled to a bj
anyone who says having children is the best experience of their life obviously has never seen a vending machine carry vodka in Capri sun pouches.
I'll just be here. Naked. Eating tots and jello like a muh fuggin G
We literally just Chinese fire drilled so I could give him road head.
Look if 10 am was too early to go barrel tasting the winery would not be open.
I tried to force my roommate into a sink last night. And I almost won.
Watch out, there's a giant vagina in the quad running around screaming at people.
My vagina is no longer accepting new clients.
I'm going to preface tonight by saying that I'm sorry for tequila, shopping carts, and having to chase me.
There is a wine bar at this airport that it is currently full of mid-40s women reading their Kindles. I'm attracted to all of them.
It's 11 A.M.
You know what, I think I will
You told me that you couldn't come over because you felt like you were gonna die and that houses eat you when you die, and my house couldn't eat you because your house would be jealous. That's when I knew to take the bowl away from you.
when your dumb AF ex “accidentally” venmos you $50 and texts you asking for it back..... —sorry I accidentally deleted your number and cashed out
I don't know how I managed to chip the inside of my tooth w/ a turkey and cheeto sandwich, but I think that's what happened.
I'm sorry, a turkey and WHAT sandwich?!?!
Randomize
