It was kinda weird being the boss
Did you feel like Tony Danza?
So I just found out that my mom and dad arent married
What? They have three kids?
Yep. And apparently I have a half brother. Happy Birthday to me
this is two weekends in a row I've been the pantsless girl at the party. I love my social life.
rubbing her clit was like playing thumb war
I reached in my backpack to pull out my laptop. I found my bottle of Jack and 2 bottles of Coke. It's going to be a good class.
They both invited me to family dinner Sunday. Secretly dating two sisters just got real.
The guy in the next stall screamed courtesy flush and then puked. Bless you Vegas
He threw up. He never throws up. It was like finding out superman cant fly anymore. I was so sad for him.
Dude, fuck the siberian warm up. You can't put vodka in hot chocolate. Learn from my mistakes
Dude you spent 20 minutes on the phone with dominos answering machine trying to order a pizza
I was thinking that, but I'm not sure the proper etiquette on asking about someone's nipple rings. Even if you did see them and compliment them once.
I can't wash the smell of tacos off my hands. I feel like the Lady Macbeth of Chipotle.
Just realized I chose a bacon cheeseburger over sex last night
I'm discussing Magic Mike with my mom and totally get why she thinks I'm gay.
Okay, let's just all take a step back and think about how funny this will seem in like a year... Maybe 2 if his nose is actually broken.
Randomize
