i feel like barbie the morning after an elton john party
How come I'm the only one who's around when people show up? I had just taken a shit, I wasn't wearing pants, phantom of the opera was playing and the fridge said PENIS.
im watching shaqs comedy special. this is how i know im not sober.
He's trying to wipe up all the spilled drinks with a banana
If there's so much of a hint of a whisper from somebody I didn't tell personally, I will cut off your balls with a chainsaw, cauterize the wound with a flaming rusty spoon, feed your balls to your dog, and feed them to you when he shits them out, capiche?
Touche. Dude, I fastened garters. Drunk. I deserve a medal from a drag queen.
It's like rock paper scissors. Cold showers and smoking beat hangovers.
There is nothing quite so awkward as watching topless bullriding with your mother next to you..
I'm in a dress, surrounded by Republicans, and the bartender just told me he's "out of Jack Daniels" in a very accusatory tone. Shit, is it only 8 PM?
Haha he puts me in a mood mix of annoyed and... "just get in my pants"
I spent the entire party sexting people's significant others for them because they were too drunk to do it themselves. I did quite well too. I should start a business
A seagull just tried to steal my cellphone
Its guy fieris flavor town of suffering™
Fuck you guys, I'm trying to nurse my hangover and eat my chicken tenders in peace.
Man, I miss taking bong rips in my room. Now they are bringing dogs around so all my stuff is hidden in random places up in the woods. I literaly have to hunt and gather just to get high.
Randomize
