Just try to make good decisions...remember our convo we had about morals the other day?
Turn them off?
Is it bad that when I see babies I feel bad for them because its going to be forever until they are 21?
My balls had bee stings let's just leave it at that.
We did a shot for each one. Father... son... and holy ghost. That wasn't enough though so we moved on to toasting dead relatives.
I just realized I'm trading you a pregnancy test for the morning after pill...
It's been a bad semester.
Jesus these cramps...it's like every potential fetus I swallowed last night is personally punching me in the uterus
There's a very drunk Asian strawberry shortcake crying on the curb next to my truck. I'm not really sure what standard protocol is for this situation.
Omg. I wanna lecture the drug dealer about how highschool should not be his glory days.
My high school reunion is Thursday so I need to find an outfit that says "Haha, you got fat and I got tits. Suck it, bitches."
She needs sedatives and a leash
I'm using my ex bfs phone number to look up his Kroger card so I can get a discount on condoms...yep this is my life
dude...i punched my best friend in the face, broke up with my girlfriend, and shit my pants.......now i don't know which one to take care of first.
We fucked so hard and loud that the everyone at the party downstairs starting chanting his name. Oh I we broke a lamp.
EITHER I'M HIGH OR JUST REACHED A NEW LEVEL OF SINGLE FEMALE SADNESS BECAUSE THIS BROWNIE IS GIVING ME ORGASMS
I'd just like to take a moment now to apologize sincerely for getting drunk and making an as of myself at your Christmas party next week. I'm especially sorry for sleeping with your baby sister.
Randomize
