i think a pirate just stole the rest of our fucking beer. what an appropriate costume.
You tried to convince her that if she gave you head she'd hear the ocean.....
yeah bitch needs to recognize there's only one person with this face
He doesn't need a wingman, he needs a miracle
So last night ended up making out with a girl going to jail on sunday...she wrote down her address so I can make conjugal visits...
Im at that shitty point in my day where I start planning night activities while finger dipping vyvance off of my desk, you got any plans?
I ended up in a bathroom giving my hymen a pep talk
I got another blow job proposal last night. Skills.
I was puking in the bathroom when my fake tooth fell off of my retainer so I just walked out of the bar and didn't say goodbye to my date
You rode your bike four miles to my house. Yelled "I'm so high!" Then crashed into his car. It's a problem.
There. Isnt. A. Single. Person. Who. Is. Not. High. At. Church.
I love you, and I just washed my hair in my work sink with handsoap.
HOW THE FUCK IS IT POSSIBLE THAT THE JUNIOR HIGH STUDENT IS BETTER AT BEING AN ADULT THAN I AM!?!?
If I hear that song one more time I will drive to hell and make John Lennon eat my ass.
I’m good. I learned that a guy ate the mushrooms that were growing out of his toilet, so there’s that.
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