i'm sure her mom would have loved to find out her daughter has herpes via facebook
That was definitely a porn plot just waiting to develop...
I was so drunk I accidentally put in two tampons.
I tried to talk you out of it. You were worried about alcohol being a blood thinner.
Is it bad to use cherry nyquil as substitute for grenadine? Because i just went there.
Nah, totally cool. It already has the alcohol in it.
we were having sex and she freaked out when i said nipple
I saw someone get arrested while I was moving out...this has to be a good sign.
The carpet cleaning people refuse to steam clean human feces. I'll call back later and blame it on the dog not you
Say hello to your nephew Sir Isaac Meriwether van Catsworth
I'm going to have to start taking your phone after ten. That's when all the cat pictures come
Right... Let's keep my vodka tinged mind focused on simple words
I feel like his penis would have a weird haircut because he does.
Just do let me go home with anyone especially I a guy with a hair sweater
I need vodka and champagne for my new favorite drink, vodkapagne. Alternative spellings are "vodkapain" and "vom-machine"
Apparently 24 hr fitness frowns upon the ingestion of psychedelics on its premises, don't see that in the sign up contract.
They kept freaking out that you were missing and potentially having sex.. like it was a bad thing. Got fed up with hearing it so i just yelled "ITS HER BIRTHDAY AND SHE CAN FUCK IF SHE WANTS TO!" They gave me unnecessary looks. I thought it was acceptable.
I went with vodka instead of tequila tonight so I make better decisions. Fool proof plan.
Randomize
