Just chased the kids into the backyard with kitchen knives. Best. Babysitters. Ever.
i woke up with someone drivers licenses in my wallet this am...he said i don't have a business card so just take my drivers license
I am at the gas station and there is a whole amish family here I'm not sure why the amish need gas but I think its worth investigating
tried to be sexy and unbutton his shirt with my teeth. ended up slobbering all over it. thank god he was already passed out
I'm pretty sure you're not supposed to hit on someone with another guy's semen in your hair. not even at ihop.
I miss your penis. I'm telling you this as a friend, like its just a really great penis. You should be proud of it.
I'm with Tony. He said he volunteers his ball sack for waxing but you will have to wait a few weeks. It is a freshly shaved sack. I guess he thought he was gonna get lucky. Wtf?
Smooth sack
Oh my god. He likes it up the butt. But loves womanly support. Omg. Its bad. Its bad. Ive had too much whiskey for this to be ANYthing except bad.
My boobs looked so good under the black light I saw a girl physically cover her boyfriend's eyes.
I may or may not have pissed on my floor last night
Welcome to 22
He just pulled a Spanish chick using google translate!!!! We are at the bar and she speaks zero English. Hes a fucking magician!!!!!!
NO. FUCK YOU. I HOPE SOMEONE REPLACES YOUR LUBE WITH HOT SAUCE.
I just turned down an invite to sit on a face. IDK who I am.
What? Are you sick?
I had a dream I hooked up with Post Malone. I can still smell the dream
I JUST WANT TO HAVE AWKWARD SEXUAL EXPERIENCES WITH HIM.
Randomize
