now everythime i write "i'm" in my phone my tap9 spells out "i'm-never-drinking-again". It's trying to remind me
The weather is perfect in Seattle right now. Warm enough for girls to not wear bras, but cold enough for me to see them nipping out in the shade.
I'm exhausted and I have velveeta stuck in my teeth
Did you eat out Derrek's girlfriend again?
ever had your bank call you to verify the 4 seperate bar transactions from the night before? I have
I just slapped my cat in the face with my dildo. You were the only one I could tell.
He probs deserved it.
Every good man does.
Hey, my drug test is at 4:15 tomorrow. I'll meet you 5 minutes later.
apparently you can't crawl through the drive-thru window
Just got back from fathers day breakfast. So hungover i couldn't eat so i just slipped my food in my pockets and threw it out while i puked in the bathroom.
I have fiberglass splinters all over my hands and woke up with a sign that says PUMPKINS in my room.
I'm currently braless eating the balls of the penis cake and drinking warm champagne. I'm 3 cats away from crazy at this point
Well, most of my extended family doesnt know about my love for the penis, so they dont have a reason to disown me
I think you'll be amused to know that I achieved the impossible feat of tripping over my own dick
You should be able to leave recommendations on Tinder.
She's hot and all. It's just I don't want to become Eskimo brothers with my sister
your marriage is hazardous to my nightlife
yea, mine too.
Randomize
