It was my birthday today and i decided that i am not checking my notifications on facebook so ill feel popular
Wrong number and your a loser
its 9am and we're in an escalade. I have no shoes and my dress is on backwards. I feel like we're the morning after a rap video
At what point should shame kick in? Realising I had a one night stand with a man engaged or realising I am that man's wedding photographer?
Should I be alarmed that you're a regular enough at a bar to show up in sweatpants?
Let me start this apology by saying I'm sorry that I bit your penis.
I awoke this morning to a naked boyfriend flying a remote controlled shark around his apartment. This is my life.
We were on the balcony tossing jello shots to people passing below
When people said no i'd yell "i tried them i promise they aren't roofied!"
If youre wondering about the smell, i set your hamster on fire. But don't worry he's ok
He's bought his dick a cell phone. A cell phone. For his dick...
He gave me the number and told me that I if I want to hook up again, I have to call his penis.
How do you explain to a guy that he's like a little puppy dog that you play with, but then leave at the shelter to go home to your German Shepard?
I think I maybe realized he was too old for me when I went into his bathroom and he had anti aging face cream.
There is no way to say this. Dude, I peed your bed. No questions, no answers. My flight leaves in 30 minutes. Use my detergent. Also, THE VODKA IN THE FRIDGE IS YOURS.
I choose my mates solely based on size and ability. No cuddles. No sleep overs. Definitely no repeats.
3 hour lecture of my biology teacher talking about isotopes and space shuttles. I'm way too high for this.
I should never have to text my best friend asking if she eloped again last night.
Randomize
