Partly cloudy chance of praying to the porcelin gods
I need to start cutting my cocaine with Plan B
god, you should never be in the FBI. you'd give away america's secrets to any boy who asked.
Can you believe The 5th Element didn't get best fight scene in 1997?! I'm still bitter. 12 years later.
Haha how do you remember that?
HOW COULD I FORGET?!
Who would have sex with her? She looks like she shops at baby gap
I'll throw in a blow job for your kind ways. Or another booty call. I'm poor and not very imaginative. This is all I have to offer- the unicorn like wonders of my vagina.
I come back upstairs and there he was sitting in a speedo. He handed me a blanket and said "let's cuddle" how is this real life?
I had a 10 minute conversation with the refrigerator, it was telling me how it likes to be opened and closed. Ecstasy, I love you.
If I don't get my shit together, I'm going to be one of those really fucked up cases on 1000 ways to die
I seriously just drove by a man walking down the street wearing hospital scrubs, an 80s track jacket, gold necklace and carrying a flute.
Jager makes that raccoon appear... The one that shits in a basket in my living room.
There is an unwrapped tampon, a condom, a rubber chicken and a slim Jim currently sitting on our dining room table.
So apparently I’m into choking now
he was just sitting there in his underwear... and his chewbacca mask...
drunkkkkk be here I heart you
Randomize
