Haym$ered
turn off your phone and go to bed
That blackeyed peas song was on, so I thought that was prediciting tonight was going to be a good night. And then my garage door opner fell and hit me in the head.
I literally just copy and pasted that from another bbm convo bc I'm far too stoned to explain that again.
Do they fuck in the end of "Lady and the Tramp" or am i just wasting my time
FYI don't ever, ever get a lap dance from a stripper who says " she's having a bad day " at a bachelor party.
I think I pulled my groin stumbling back from the bar. That or the hippo I woke up next to.
Want to get naked in Baltimore this weekend?
I just set the shake weight record at the bar. 20 mins of that crap and drinking beer through a straw will get the job done. I also bet the bartender 100 bucks I could go shot for shot with him. The date for that event is TBA.
Not much, really baked..... beethoven is AMAZING it's like i'm flying in space with baby jesus
Pretty sure I picked a cat up off the street and took him home with me, fed him tuna, then let him go
I saw a guy do a line this morning in line to start the 5k, happy thanksgiving!
So some drunk guy just tried to convince me with all of his passion that bacon is a color
He showed up at my front door with Plan B and a rose...
We were wearing togas. So having sex was really easy to do without taking any clothes off.
I wish I had a Tina from Bob's Burgers in real life. She would be the best wingman.
We're friends with benifits... The benifits being I'm fucking her boyfriend
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