Drunk. Just jacked off for the third time in an hour. I love not being Catholic anymore.
you haven't felt a hangover until you wake up after a night of snorting tequila.
i can't believe i brushed your teeth last night. so drunk.
The fact that I am sitting home writing a resume while you're out inducing vomiting makes me feel like way more of an adult than I'm ready to be.
he told me not to treat him like a child and then started peeing off the trampoline
Lost my virginity in a banana suit. Glad I waited.
I'm eating the rest of the Xmas shrooms and welcoming 2012 by communing with the pine cone.
female sloths literally scream when they want sex and can be heard up to 700 meters away
i think i might be a female sloth
Is he gonna be my crazy ex? Cause we weren't even together for as long as my weeklong bicurious lesbian relationship.
If its possible to have a hickey on your nipple, I have one. Thank you.
Stumbled across a pregnancy test in my closet. Oh, the freshman year flashbacks..
Like my new perfume? It's a combination of Fireball, sex and bad decisions.
I lost my bra at his grandma's house so there's that.
You pretty much lost your mind. Your ego has gotten ten time the size of your balls.
Walking into my bedroom & smelling stale sex & disappointment isn't how I envisioned being 39, in case you were wondering.
Randomize
