i just pooped in tubberware. not a proud day
The bar I'm at just passed out smores to everyone. I don't know what it has to do with cinco de mayo but I'm down.
He is offering to pay me back by sending me a dick pic.
.......................................
My thoughts exactly.
No driving. The car is spinning. I am praying for mcdonalds.
No our divorce decree will not have a blow job clause. Unless my alimony is greatly increased your bj's have been reduced to fantasy status.....
i'm just sitting here watching hocus pocus, eating takeout, and taking self esteem quizzes online while everyone is out partying. you tell me how my night is.
We had three bowls going. It was a tri-bowl tournament. Harry potter shit.
Holy shit, Uber is testing a service to summon an ice cream truck.
Bring me the penis of the founder so I may endlessly fellate him. Or cunnalinge. I don't discriminate.
We were tripping too hard to figure out to tell him where we were so we sent a picture of me laying outside the tent saying "find us"
I ordered a VEGAN pizza, because it gets here the fastest, just so I could get a 2 litre of Coke. For my whiskey.
So im waiting for someone at grand central and i look up AND THE ENTIRE BALCONY IS FILLED WITH BOY SCOUTS I AM TERRIFIED
I was super proud of him for making a mature relationship decision, and then I remembered that he cheated on her. With me.
Holy shit, we're married as fuck.
I was asked last night if Magnum makes a XXL..... I don't think I've ever broken this many condoms in my life
We were having sex but then he spanked me and i punched him but it was just a reflex i swear
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