i finished masturbating and realized my blackberry had accidentaly called my grandmother in my pocket during it. awkward...
So...i'm having a drinking contest, my right hand vs my left, i have a feeling the 24 pack is gonna win
Im drinking in homer but I guess Egan got arrestest on an "assault by water ballon" charge but tom actually threw the water balloon in question at the bartender.
Your roommates boyfriend just approached me while I was working to tell me about the staph infection he got on his face. Where do you find these people?
it was a frathouse cornucopia of foul mixed drinks and "sangria", which im convinced was blood and pcp
I'm using toast as a chaser. If I wasn't already so fucked up this would be revolting.
My ex wife just asked to go over our divorce papers and for sex in the same text
If I don't go to Australia I'm using that towards a new car. If I do I'll use it to buy a koala.
I asked if anyone's pants felt wet on the bottom, like a half hour after mine did. I had just peed my pants i had gotten so high no biggie
You have not lived until you've puked on your sequined UGGs in the Rite Aid parking lot while going to buy emergency contraceptives.
Slutty summer 2013 has officially started. I did accidentally bite a dick though.
A particularly funny moment you may have missed; you walked in to the basement to announce that whoever was cooking sausages had left them on the grill for Hella long, only to be told that you were in fact the person grilling. At which point you just said, "the sausages are done" and walked out
Told my brother the truth how I meet her...I grabbed the first thing I could when the cops came. 10 months later we are engaged.
I just found a piece of squished oatmeal cream pie in my armpit. So very sad.
I feel like one thing if I have going for me is that my bed looks like a nice place to have sex
Randomize
