I was so hungover I threw up on her when she answered the door. i don't think it was a good first impression
I don't understand how he can't hear himself snoring, but he'll wake up to me sneaking m&m's from my junk food stash beside the bed...
I hope making "real" money at your "real" job is worth it because you totally missed beer and dorrito mac n cheese tuesday.
Taped crackers to the wall. Sat I'n the dryer. Bobby had to pull me out by my hair. No more.
In an unknown location. With a giant marshmallow stuck to my back. Hello breakfast.
My financial advisor filed my girlfriend's abortion under "investments" so my wife wouldn't find out
So my dad just walked in on me with the same girl twice in 3 nights. I told him if he wants to see her tits to adleast admit it. All he did was smirk.
According to the red cross, I'm not suppose to do anything strenuous for the next 24 hours. That means you're on top.
I punted my pants across my apt at my roommate last night. Everything else is kinda fuzzy.
That and I was watching this life alert commercial and I'm pretty sure my liver turned up the volume for more information
One day i'll wow you with artfully trimmed pubes.
FUCK and YOU. times 10. To infinity and beyond. You bastard. Worst. Cockblock. Ever. I'm going to nail your sister.
WHEN JENDA BENDA THE DRAG QUEEN TELLS YOU TO RUN, YOU RUN, BITCH!!!
I forgot to lock the bathroom door. He walked in, saw me on the toliet, nodded, and walked back out.
I have bruises all over my legs. Did I hit a car with my bike last night?
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