Get condoms and clear your schedule for the night. I'm bringing chinese food!
I'm not a creep or anything, just a lost soul looking for a good lay
I need someone to get my backpack from the bar before class tomorrow. I have to give my students their papers back.
Just saw ur booking photo. Love that u were already wearing orange. Its like u knew
Im wearing all my glow sticks to bed so i know where my arms are at all times.
Remember when I referred to my box of wine as my briefcase and made all of those stupid jokes about working overtime? Thanks for ignoring my cry for help.
Like if a baby's bottom had nipples, that's how my boobs feel
Met Dan at the park for lunch and the guy parked next to us was getting a BJ the entire time. Way to make me feel like an inadequate girlfriend, random park skank. All Dan got was a double cheeseburger and a large iced tea...
I asked her if she could eat some Doritos so when we made out it would taste awesome
I figured you were on something. You're way too happy right now to be sober
I wanted to write an apology letter to my vagina after that.
In a few weeks I'll be a beautiful butterfly and me and my cat will have to repopulate the earth. WE WILL REBUILD!!
Hey. I hope you have enough room in your car for me and a Honda civic front bumper.
Pooping to opera.
to be fair i didnt know she wanted to sleep with me
WHY THE FUCK ELSE WOULD SHE DRAG A STRAIGT MAN INTO A VICTORIA'S SECRET CHANGEROOM GODDAMMIT
Randomize
