Why can't we have signs that automatically flash on our foreheads that say not interested when gross ugly guys come around, like those glasses that get dark when the sun comes out?
I hate when laundry day is determined by the number of cum stains on my bed
i told him im from Canada, abortion is free
There is so much to learn about oneself from autofill.
She just took off her shirt and jumped in the kiddie pool. We're not leaving.
I just watched a guy pee from a second floor window onto the line of 100 people waiting to get in.
You convinced her to break up with her boyfriend, made out with her all night, got her to buy us all shots then went home with a different girl...
That explains the "i hate you" text. But the facebook deletion is a bit harsh
Will do. If it all falls thru I'm just gonna set up a sprinkler in my back yard and run thru it while taking jello shots. Perfect alternative to my 29th bday.
You were so proud of your stupid "magic trick" but all you did was piss on the couch. don't talk to me for a few days.
okcupid is pretty much insisting i hook up with this chick who looks like andy milonakis.
Then we woke up and they shouted "Emergency Vodka!!" and that's how we got redrunk.
The only people who will bring me pizza or tacos want a commitment and I'm hungry for food not their love.
HOW DID I LET MYSELF GET SUCKED IN HE HAS A PENIS FOR PETE'S SAKE.
How I know I would be an awful mother....I just stirred the bong up with a baby fork. A literal baby fork....
Hammered...8am...why is there chickens in the living room?
Randomize
