quick I need to know all the foods that the very hungry caterpillar ate
His internet searches, listed chronologically: sex slave, volunteer sex slave, lava
Any time you start making pro wrestling references before 10 PM I know that I'm breaking up a fight between you and some muscled up frat boy you call Hogan.
is wine microwaveable?
I can totally hide my daquiri in my sling.
smoking a cig and getting head on the last night of my cruise. and she doesn't mind that i'm texting you right now. this is now on my list of top 10 nights of my life.
apparently, i ordered a pogo stick last night. i can't even be mad about that.
new rule: cockblock me if I have had over a fifth of jack. no matter what.
I just went to pick up my pigeon from your house. You should be getting a picture soon
I was very proud of myself that day. I had an awesome time. I don't care if I negatively impacted others.
When he swipes my v card it will be comparable to my bat mitzvah. should I make sweatshirts or sweatpants?
You are the human incarnation of a drinking problem
The cop told me I was the prettiest guy he'd arrested in a while. I'm still not sure if it was a come on or not.
How do I put this... You're dating Ricky from Trailer Park Boys. Stop eye-fucking him and actually listen to what he says for once. He actually said "I self-learned that myself, basically" while rolling a joint. He's worse than your unskilled magician ex that accidentally cut off three of his own fingers
You peed on a flamingo?!?
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