I really wish i had a penis so i could dick slap that bitch right now
never try to heat up a hot pocket in the dryer if ur microwave breaks...bad idea.
what is with people arguing over soda or pop? to be honest i thought it was just called chaser
No she hasen't showed up to my place yet, last I heard she was puking as she was walking without stopping near the park.
I wonder if i could put a dildo on my bike seat to encourage me to exercise.
My dad and I just got asked if "we wanted a more intimate setting for our date". The world is coming to an end.
I am far too hungover to deal with the fact I can hear you masturbating in the bathroom.
One guy got his nose broke and was playing with it. Then another guy was playing beer pong off his horse.
I need to be more functional. That doesn't mean I'm going to drink less, I just need to wake up and shit
You had sex with a mute, how is that not funny
Do you ever just feel like you can feel hormones radiating from your uterus?
If God invented something better than rough, drunken, lesbian sex he kept that shit to himself.
Reasonably certain my seventh grade teacher is encouraging me to drop acid on twitter
Well, if it makes you feel any better I'll be drinking tequila and doing lines on Halloween. Just like old days.
They were playing some sort of fast food scavenger hunt game as an ice breaker. Some chick stamped a Starbucks logo on my hand and told me to go find the girl with the matching stamp and fill her with cream.
Dave had an Arby’s stamp and some sorority girl grabbed him and screamed “I’ve have the meat!”\n
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