whjeg hajt iyt
say what?
wanna hang out?
birth control should be required to get into college
We decided to smoke and then made crosses on our foreheads for ash wednesday
mom would be proud
where are you?
sonic
Good. I hungoveredly cleaned your room. This is what being married is going to be like. I pick the condoms up off the floor and you bring home the hot dogs.
... there are chew marks on my license. I have no idea.
Just so we're clear this time around: This is dinner with my FAMILY. Not an opportunity for you to drink too much, and use the word "dick-thumpin" in casual conversation.
Are you still crying. What are you doing. Have 10 shots of tequila.
So, I'm drinking, and I put my head down in the table. The cat jumped up to check on me, I have a cat sober monitor.
I started a USA chant at the bar last night for no reason, other than being plastered. Within 15 seconds, I was standing on a table and the whole bar was chanting but nobody knew why.
Just asphyxiate me and toss my corpse in the Ocean. It'll be easier than whatever the next four or eight years will bring.
You know what would have been funny if we got arrested last night? The inventory search of the lock box:\n\nContents:\n1 work ID\n1 33 round Glock magazine\n1 set of keys\n1 vibrator\n2 bags fruit snacks\n1 parking hang tag
This is like the fourth time this month I've woken up hungover in someone's backyard
My debit card was between my ass cheeks when i woke up. i vaguely remember putting it there for safe keeping
shit i just threw up on a freshman
i don't know if i should laugh or feel bad..
nevermind it was a sophmore, laugh.
i think we reached that point in our drunkenness where even the creeps found us intolerable
Randomize
