There were 3 chicks in my bed I didn't know when I got home. Now I know all of them. Biblically.
I just accidentally handed the ticket lady a condom instead of the intended ticket. I am now the official whore of Harry Potter.
Is a Chipotle burrito an acceptable "sorry I ran over your cat" gift?
Your braces fetish is going to end up biting you in the dick.
Lost another pound. Switching from beer to hard liquor did this body good.
It was a cry at the bar alone type of night, served with a side of passing out facedown in my nachos.
Her fucking playlist had randy newman on it. It was like woody was watching the whole time.
Just to an Octoberfest and a sex party. Nothing wild.
No dude, I'm not naming my kid after your beard
I'm wearing fairy wings and I broke my wizard staff. If this isn't the most happy but sad moment of my life , I don't know what is.
We were having a serious discussion about Blue's Clues and I just kept thinking, 'you've seen me naked'.
You dropped my mother on the dance floor. She has a concussion. You didn't apologize. Don't speak to me for a while.
I love you as a roommate, but you GOTTA start using the door dude..
I jumped the fence at the bar last night. My dress got stuck and I ended up flashing the entire patio for a good 30 seconds.
At the 10 second mark everyone started to whistle and cheer. Free drinks all night
my night went from a boring school play to hotboxing a car with 3 criminals
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