Is it normal that I have to take off my pants to get mouth stitches removed?
this is the fifth day in a row i've woken up after 3 pm, hungover. I might die when snowmageddon is finally over and we have to go back to class. my liver wont know how to take it.
I'm drinking keystone with a homeless man I found. It's making me feel uncomfortable.
you had sex with a 30 year old who doesn't have a cell phone but does have an 8 year old son.
he's 29.
Hi. I probably already told you this mid puke, but thanks again for babysitting me last night. How did I get in the car?
you proceeded to scream out that it's your birthday to everyone who walked by before you collapsed in the middle of the street. happy 21st birthday to you.
Oh you don't have to buy a shower curtain, I stole the one from her bathroom. It has dolphins on it.
Is buying her a loofah for my house commitment like? I don't wanna give the wrong idea
Let's just say he sent me a picture of his dick and I was more impressed with the collection of video games he had in the background...
You know you gotta reevaluate your life when the first thought that comes to mind after you wake up is 'at least I'm still alive'
i came home after a long day at work and she dropped a plate of cheesecake and a bottle of whiskey in front of me and said here's dinner
Apparently I was telling them, "I AM A STRONG INDEPENDENT WOMAN AND I DON'T NEED YOU TO HOLD MY HAIR," and I pulled my hair back and puked.
I took an uber home at 6am. Went to Santanas, apparently they don't take american express. So the uber driver bought my burrito. Success!
I'm gonna go parent style on your ass... I don't ask much from you but if you could please just come get shitfaced with me I would really appreciate it
He's throwing Skittles into my cleavage and some are rebounding into my crouch.
Well he's scoring either way then.
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