I've rolled joints bigger than that penis.
What started out as Cougar hunting turned into whaling
Even after projectile vomiting watermelon on the beach, it still sounds appetizing.
I never thought I'd say this, but there is a life threatening amount of rumpleminz in our freezer
I've decided I'm either going to ease him into this breakup by having a threesome with him and the girl I'm leaving him for, or be brutal and fuck his room mate. it depends how nice he is tonight.
Remember the girl passed out in front of my fireplace?
Ya, because touching his brother's face for 20 minutes in front of him wasn't bad enough, I also threw up in his garden and stole like 10 of his shirts before I left. But I fed his dog, so it's okay.
Im walking to an ob gyn practice session right now. Literally have to get face first in a middleaged vagina in 10 min.
Definition of cool: he wants a back tattoo of three horses running through a "paisley explosion"
How did he even become this person? Like what drugs has he done??
Walking my dog and eating a taco in last night's dress.. Classy
please let it be arousing that I used numbers to figure out how well I'd give you head
I woke up with a black eye and a buttplug...not sure I really want to know what happened.
I just took a plan B pill with my preworkout. That's the level I'm on today.
Did I see you at the bar last night?
Yes. You just kept grabbing my boobs and saying how much better they are than yours...
Hungover at Subway, watching a business guy try to squeeze his way past my car to get into his. Bitch shouldn'ta parked over the line.
You truly are a temple of morality.
I am the night, I am justice, I am currently watching the fat biz guy pay a frat boy to back his car up for him so he can get in.
Randomize
