I'm sitting in front of the mirror eating cereal and pondering how my boobs got so big
Welcome to my life
Like if I don't roll around in my puke, the night will be a failure.
I cannot believe we're comparing my vagina to Mary Poppins and a black hole.
Just saw a 300lb woman fall down. Shes screaming like a beached manatee. Her 120lb boyfriend is trying to push her up. It's like watching an infant try to bench
2nd fun fact: he has a square tan line around his dick.
got one for peeing in public....called the cop a donut dunking communist...should be a fun court appearance
When one is stoned and browsing online dating profiles all men sound like serial killers.
New brilliant plan: invite two random okcupid girls to the same bar at the same time, have them compete
When my parents ask if I met any nice guys in California, I'm going to answer, "No, but I have gone home with alot of nice girls". Too much, too soon?
Dude, you flipped off a cat from my balcony and yelled at it to get a house
being single and having a boyfriend 300 miles away is eerily similar. never skipped a beat eating hot wings in my bed with no pants or masturbating every day.
Apparently, the Mormons have taken over airports. I was told by a befuddled looking clerk I couldn't buy a beer with breakfast before 6am.
He's eating me out right now. That's how bad he is.
My dad just invited me to smoke a blunt with him. Parent-child bonding at its finest (and highest).
i just realized i have only had sex on couches so far this year. i can't decide if that's impressive or trashy
Randomize
