sometimes i shoot so far i amaze even myself.
i just assumed he broke up with her because she wasn't a freshman anymore
So I'm on the can right now reading a court transcript for an appeal. Some dude is paying $155 an hour for me to take a shit.
We drove past his house blaring "Like a virgin" in the middle of the day. pretty sure he heard.
Like if god were to send me a cock shot, that's what it would look like.
He said "ride me pocahontas" while I was on top of him last night
We ended up getting arrested after we flagged down the cops for a ride home with open beers in our hands... turns out the "nobody told me" excuse doesn't cut it anymore
you flashed my boyfriend last night so i tackled you to the floor. you may be a bit sore.
I will pee on everything he values.
He challenged me to a drink off, I couldn't just say no. It was a matter of pride really.
And as he was cursing your name from the bathroom you were ordering yourself another drink on his tab. The poor bastard had no clue you were a pro drunk
I ACCIDENTALLY HOOKED UP WITH A GUY WHO HAS A NICHOLAS CAGE POSTER ABOVE HIS BED I CANT HANDLE LIFE.
The universe is either telling you 1. you make terrible decisions or 2. its time to let go of your hatred of Cage.
I'm abstinent now
Oh, is this one of the times when you're serious?
I got unbelievably drunk yesterday, need some time off. Apparently pulling your balls out to make your buddy's girlfriend miss beerpong shots is frowned upon.
We had sex with a sexual harassment video playing in the background before his gf got there. I've hit a new low
Must lick fork, like it's a DICK
Randomize
