it tastes like there's a party in my mouth and everyone is throwing up
i'm eating jello out of a teacup with a fork. awesome?
It's hard to be a gentleman when a girl pauses her karaoke version of "a whole new world," and proceeds to tell the entire bar that she wants your cock in her mouth.
and i'm going to kill you for what you did to my nipples last night. of course i want to hang out
Tom is laying in a bathtub filled with ice pretending to be a polar bear.
When you get a chance, you should call Nick. He REEAAAALLLLLY wants to hear you make chewbacca noises.
Pretty sure I used toilet water to wash vomit off my face last night...
Love these next 4 months. Wake up from a college football hangover and get to put your hand down your pants and watch NFL football all day.
I know you're aving fun across the room but I can clearly see you getting a handy. It's not as "low key" as she promised. Also, why are you texting while she's doing it?!
These past few weeks have been a lesson on why you don't put your penis inside girls who live in your building.
Let's knock shit down like godzilla and have intense sex in the rubble
I'm high. ignore me
I think I should've done my makeup before I took the acid. Because now I just feel silly looking at myself in the mirror
I was taking a nap and she comes in wo/ pants, gets up on the bed and mounts my face while watching Weeds on Netflix. I'm okay with it, but at least let me wake up first.
I think there is cocaine on my toothbrush.
Sorry. I was preoccupied thinking about penises
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