the bitch is dead man
YOUR DOG DIED?
no i meant my mom has passed out .. so i'll be over soon.
so the guy who showed me the apt today is now texting me and asking me out for drinks...he's at least 20 yrs oldr than me and highlights his hair, but part of me is wondering how low i can talk him down in rent during sex? wrong?
question: does your pee smell like mojitos at all?
i really wish my pants would only unzip when im sober
I just found out my birth date is Pick Your Poison Day. Goodbye, conscience, forever. I was born to live like this.
So i was told that i peed in the sink, had sex with a pillow and banged on a washer while singing idian chants
Its like I instantly had a mental image of me in my mugshot.
Roommate is high and swore off off the diet. Said she wants to make everyone else fat since it'd be easier. She spent today baking 3 dozen brownies for the office tomorrow and is already down to 24.
He wouldn't let me leave his house until he made me orgasm once for every year I've been alive. The birthday sex song did not prepare me for this.
No one should ever be so high that they forget the food. That's just...its a violation of God and Nature, of the very laws that we live by!
Thought about it. I'm gonna go to work, but I'm gonna tell them I wrestled a bear saying I fell just isn't working.
I love you but I don't want to see you naked.
I just wanna get drunk and watch Tarzan with you is that to much to ask?!?
You tryed convincing the salvation army bell ringer you could do the worm and face planted into the sidewalk... I put a dollar in the can for your performance
I’ve got full Covid immunity, blonde hair and great tits! I’m basically unstoppable
Randomize
