My financial advisor pointed out that 37% of my income is currently going towards "non-essential food items"
That's banker lingo for "you're an alcoholic"
all I heard when I woke up this morning was "BONG HITS FOR BREAKFAST" being yelled repeatedly.
I couldn't function. I was to the point where I was using a bottle cap as a monocle.
i shit in a pringles can and hid it somewhere in your house....happy hunting
You threw my heel at her from across the street... And hit her in the back of the head so hard she face planted into the street. I need more friends like you.
This is the first time I'm hearing this information.
can i text him and be like "oh yeah, forgot i kinda made out with a girl this weekend. For future reference, does this count as cheating?" ?
I mean, unless you wanna just let me lie there while you fuck me and pour water into my mouth
My aunt left me alone with the instructions to "get waisted" by the time she returns. I love drunk aunt.
I just almost puked & then I panicked and forced it back down because I thought I would be a waste of the apple turnover I ate.. I'm that hungover
Omg I can't even...
only I would find a long lost relative through a craigslist casual encounters ad
Last night he told me I was never sexier than when I was cutting pizza. Seriously. Like, he's perfect.
just realized we fucked to the ultimate disney playlist last night. hakuna matata.
just stepped out my front door and let the wind dry my naked body because I was too lazy to go search for a clean towel that may not even exist. I could live like this forever
The guy like flippppped out and made me pay $15 for a car wash. I thought I was being extremely courteous by making sure to puke outside the window
Can I send you a random dick pic? It's got a lightsaber tattoo
Randomize
