So I'm at the Chevron by your house. I need a condom and a couch.
Together?
Preferably.
So, I woke up to an empty bottle of scotch and a dead car. The last thing I remember are the strippers being mad at me. Awesome night.
Feels good to be wearing underwear again though...
so i saw this homeless guy this morning yelling at a pay phone like chewbacca.
That's what you get for being in filth-adelphia.
i just walked in on him masterbating..to a picture of me. that definitely has to be true love.
Only she could turn her genital wart appointment into a date night.
We uncovered another pile of vomit after you left. And i am not talking about the one in the vase
Dude. 21 days till I'm 21. It's the 21 day countdown. The 25 days of Christmas can suck my dick.
Can vaginas get frostbite?
Thanks for launching me off you reverse cowgirl. I think I chipped a tooth.
Well, you were never considered a shining example of sobriety anyway
Ok, now help me add to my topless picture collection, i'm going to make myself a calendar
I need to wash the frat house off of me
Just showed my drunk fiancé where I got circumcised, she's been crying for twenty minutes.
If he wants a future he'd best figure out the calendar function on his phone. If he can invite you to his penis he can invite you to his google cal.
I'm assuming you were here at some stage because I woke up alone, clean and in a towel with mum asking my why my shoes, dress and jewellery were in the bottom of the shower.
Randomize
