i found a beer bottle on top of the urinal, peed in it and put it back... if anyone gets drunk enough to fall for it they deserve it
You came on your own forehead. Just wanted to remind you that.
I cannot believe how calm you were last night about telling Katie she was on fire.
I just compared drinking to love. How do these people not know I'm an alcoholic?
It looks like a tornado ripped through our living room and scattered clothes everywhere.
Count the bras. It was a category 3 whorenado ... I convinced the lesbians to come back to the apartment for a bottle of wine.
you cant ever make fun of my bong's stick on moustache again. its the reason the cop let me keep it and my weed.
We just had a 30 min argument on the actual birth date of Jesus, it ended in my brother and ain't cursing each other and an 8 yr old answering it by using Siri.
I didn't know your ex looked like a male Khloe Kardashian?
this whole "benign brain tumor" is truly a blessing in disguise. I almost want to start bringing MRIs to the bar because sympathy pussy is flowing like the nile
Rage-masturbating and then crying myself to sleep. Welcome to Wednesday.
I just swallowed confetti and motor-boated some guys beard...#happy2015
All I need to do is acquire a Shrek costume.
Please don't traumatize your girlfriend too terribly. Have fun.
Why the fuck is there a goat in the kitchen
He's just been a dick since he set his face on fire. I just wanted to eat a fucking hot dog.
Well the good news of being walked in on, my mom says your tits are pretty. Then she added that hers were like that once. Fml
Randomize
