I swear to god he was trying to crawl under my door last night muttering "I'm Alex Mac! I'm Alex Mac!"
so he tried marking my clit with a sharpie so he could "find it again next time".
Mowing drunk should be an olympic sport...
Wake and baked to watch the boston marathon. God I love massachusetts
i was actually impressed that she managed to throw up underwater while scuba diving
there COULD be a gas leak in our house... proceeding to smoke with extreme caution...
He ate me out. IN THE MORNING. I love less attractive men.
He tells me he loves me and I say I just want him for sex, then he looks at me like I just said I hate puppies. What kind of guy is he?
How do we have all these hot friends who we never do body shots off of
No matter how many miles separate us, I will always be here to get you through whiskey shots.
New vibrator arrived today.
How was it?
Who are these wee mortals we call men?
Like you haven't hit rock bottom until you have had to throw your own turd out a window
I'm at a first year old's birthday party and a midget dressed as a cop just showed up. Word is we're going to toss and bowl with him. Updates to come.
I JUST NEEDED TO TELL YOU I JUST FUCKED TWO BOYS IN THE SPAN OF LIKE THREE HOURS AND ONE OF THEM WAS MY SISTERS PROM DATE FROM HIGH SCHOOL IM LOWKEY BOTH PROUD AND ASHAMED
I woke up and couldn't find her. She had somehow managed to get into the closet and lock herself in. She was crying for her boyfriend. Thirsty Thursday at its finest
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