My mom just told me that after i turned eight i stopped growing mentally and emotionally
New Low: Just set a reminder on my phone for me to check on things I need to harvest late on Farmville.
I puked last after eating a volcano taco and drinking vodka. I felt like a fucking dragon.
how does a 20 year old who hasnt gone through puberty yet score the game winning goal? fuck sidney crosby and his small nuts.
Day 5 without masturbation. Fat chicks are back on the table
Nothing like all your friends getting engaged to remind you how much fun sleeping around is.
I need someone to meet me at the end of the road and throw captain morgan at my face like they do with water at marathons
Went to the strip club with my aunt. Do you know how hard it is to be a pervert in front of your female family members?
i told him i was allergic to semen. he pulled out an epipen.
I decided I'm going to give him a celebratory fuck for his accomplishments. Knocked on his door, handed him some condoms and said "I'll be over tonight with sex and booze"
I want to be you.
You peed on someones bathroom floor while saying people are rude for not flushing
The lady at the Humaine Society gave me her nephew's number because I seem like a loving and caring person.
Does she know that each time you've adopted a new cat in the past year it's because some guy stopped fucking you and you don't want to eat your feelings?
If you sleep with him I will stab you int the uterus with a pitchfork.
Prepare the pitchfork.
Also epiphany: I gotta quit fucking with dudes that have never seen Harry Potter. They all turn out to be shitheads who probably eat honeydew.
i woke up on someones kitchen floor, and i used the gps in my phone to find my way home. im really glad you forgot about me.
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