the toilet has never flushed louder then when you sneak home drunk and try to avoid your parents hearing you puke.
I wish we never smoked. I'm literally laying in bed opening and closing my eyes, just hoping a hot dog stand will appear in the room.
theyre selling pepper spray in the courtyard. hellooo atl
Drinking with birthday clown in the backyard shed at a 5 year olds birthday party at 12 in the afternoon. My life doesn't need any adjustments
The one from last night got me a whole floor of Eskimo Brothers. There was a celebration of high fiving as I left
He did a line, told me my hair looked pretty against the background of the clouds, and then we fucked. Good afternoon
You just want to fuck a girl in a dinosaur costume, don't you?
I'm sorry I drunk dialed you before realizing that you were already in bed with me.
I just don't understand how we smoked the EXACT same thing and I feel fine but Tim's over here serenading his fifth bowl of fruit loops with Elton John's entire discography.
im sleeping with a therapist...so you can talk to me.
Two months ago an unknown man was in my bed and now he is my boyfriend and he has 1.6 million in the bank and he buys me things because I only have $4.35 in my bank account
It could happen to you too!
I threw up in a pringles can. how do you think my night went.
I'm eating year old chocolate from the trash can. It was in a ziploc bag but still, this is a new low. Help me.
i ran into the Jo the housecleaner earlier this morning. i mentioned i had a little hangover and she asked what the occasion was.. i replied "Tuesday" without thinking. she judged the shit out of me.
He had a temporary tattoo of Justin Bieber on his dick and I still had sex with him
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