At least a dozen asian tourists will be showing their friends pictures of me peeing off of Hoover Dam with a cop pointing his gun at me when they get home. I worry about the impact on their children.
She came home wasted 'not wantin to talk about it' so for revenge I woke her up with a dutch oven and she puked all over me and the bed. I can't win.
Dude I told you 22 year olds shouldn't get married
shouldve known this week was gonna be bad when I threw up in my coffee mug
all he has to do is look at me on new years and hes getting laid. thats how hot he is
To celebrate your birthday last night, I got drunk and sang drift away in buffalo wild wings. Happy birthday. The entire bar sang the chorus with me. It was magical.
The cop told us he we helped him pass his monthly bong quota. He almost ran out of room on the hood of his car..
Volunteering at a homeless shelter a bum asked if he could lick me cause I still reeked of whiskey. Being a bumsickle=epic hangover
Why must everything this weekend have to do with something going into or coming out of my vagina?
I'm training him to sit when I whistle the tune from the hunger games. I'm going to be the coolest parent ever.
This girl looks like an elf and is obviously on coke. I want to be her.
I have the best idea for a new business. It's going to be called "Lamb-Scape". We are going to cut lawns using lambs. You just put 5 or 6 on a lawn and they eat the grass #allnatural
YOU SAID YOU WERE OUT OF POT
..........
Please call us Steph is okay but missing phone wallet tooth
Well there's only 4 people in my class, we've watched a video, the instructors encouraged us to start using cocaine and now we are on break.
It's been productive.
He looks like an accountant with a secret kinky candy filled center.
I discovered moonshine and fell in love.
Randomize
